Grief…Period?

My yoga teacher said you have to make sure that you do not carry around burdens in life like rocks in a backpack. He said that each one of us knows exactly which burden is the one we are carrying. When I heard this I immediately knew that for me this is the loss of my mother.

Four years ago my mother passed away. She went very quickly to brain cancer which we had no idea she had. She was admitted to the hospital for an MRI, and two weeks later my sister and I were faced with the heartbreaking decision to remove her from life support and then sit helplessly by her side the following days until she passed. Then she was just gone.

What has surprised me most about grief, is that I always thought it was something that you went through and then healed from and now I am not so sure. For me there is just a big hole in my life where it used to be occupied by my mother. I miss talking to her for hours about nothing. I miss telling her what her grandkids are doing and hearing her laugh. I miss her advice.

To hear that you should make sure you are not carrying around this extra weight, I know is true but when it comes to loss I have no idea how you fix that. If she were here, I wouldn’t know that pain. I think that’s what so extremely hard about losing a loved one is that you can’t fix it because the person is gone and you just miss that person in your everyday life. It does feel a little like a rock in a backpack that you get used to carrying. Sometimes it’s lighter and sometimes it’s heavier.

I know I am not alone. I talk to people who have lost a parent or sibling 10 or 15 years ago and I see the sad look in their eyes. I can see that years later they still carry that sadness and tear up when they share their story.

This is not to say I am a sad or depressed person. In fact, since my Mom passed I feel I am more open and take full advantage of what life has to offer and make sure to put more effort into my friendships and family than ever before. I just feel a little mislead by books and what people tell you about grief and want to share it with others who may think they are alone in feeling that way too. People make grief seem temporary. Like there is a “grieving period.” But maybe instead it’s supposed to be that you are grieving. Period.

I am curious what others think who have lost a loved one. Does grief end or is it more of a sense that now something significant is missing from your life?